Monday, October 16, 2006

Sometimes, I Cringe At Being Christian...

...and this "testimony" is one reason why...from the Congressional race in Minnesota, which features Patty Wetterling running against Michelle Bachmann. I've added my own inimitable comments to certain selected passages....
"And I tell you that, because—I hate to disappoint you, darling—but it wasn’t a big romantic surge that led us to each other. It was His Word."
I wonder if He made her sign the prenup too?
"We were praying one night, a girlfriend and I, not Marcus—and the Lord gave each one of us the same, exact vision."
Gee...sounds like someone had late night Cinemax on in her dorm room...
"It was a picture of me, marrying this man, in the valley where his parents have a farm in western Wisconsin."
What I couldn't figure out is, why he had a straw hat and really big ears....
"And we got that word, we were praying in the Spirit, I’d been baptized in the Spirit, we were praying in the Spirit and the Lord showed us that, and I just said, “Well, Lord, that’s really strange, I’ll just put in on the shelf.” "
Sure enough, that bottle of Jack Daniels is still there today...
"And I put it on the shelf, put it in His hands, and said: “You make the calling sure.”"
Want a beer back with that, Mickey?
"I had no idea: at the same time, the Lord was speaking to my husband, and He showed my husband—he was repairing a fence on the farm where he worked—and the Lord showed him in a vision that he was supposed to marry me."
The webcam in the dorm room with the two girls watching Late Night Cinemax, I'm sure
"And my husband said, “I don’t want to get married. I want to wait til I’m twenty-seven, I want to see the world, I want to have a great time in life, I don’t want to marry this girl.”"
"But he put it on the shelf. "
....mostly because she Bobbitized him
"And by faith, he followed the Lord. And over the next two years, the Lord began romantically to knit these two hearts together—because we said “yes,” to pursue His Word, in His perfect plan, in His calling."
That's 1-900-2STUPIDFUCKS
"And now twenty-eight years later, I think we might have a chance, this thing might actually work out."
TRANSLATION: If I win this election, I promise to take the latex glove off when I give him his annual handjob
"And during those dorm years, when I was busy studying, the Lord put in my heart, that if I would be diligent and I would be steadfast, He would take me to law school. And I thought—law school? I have no interest in going to law school. But I put that in His hands and I put in His plan, and I put it in His hands, and pursued that, and eventually He did, He took me to law school. "
Where we smoked a doob on the stairs and I let Him feel me up
"And I went to the first Christian law school that there was in the United States, down at Oral Roberts University, where they taught the law from a Biblical worldview. "
Oral Roberts. Nuff said
"And from there, my husband said “Now you need to go and get post-doctorate degree in tax law. Tax law? I hate taxes. Why should I go and do something like that? But the Lord says: Be submissive, wives, you are to be submissive to your husbands. "
Suddenly Jesus stopped being the man? Maybe Christ wanted her to go into import-export law?
"Never had a tax course in my background, never had a desire for it, but by faith, I was gonna be faithful to what God was calling me to do through my husband, and I finished that course of that study. "
And only six of my first seven clients were convicted!
"We had our five biological children that God gave to us, and then He called us to take foster children into our home. We thought we were going to take unwed mothers in. And by faith we started taking teenage girls in. And one girl, after another girl, after another girl—we took twenty-three foster children into our home, and raised them, and launched them off into the world, and now they’re off seeking their calling as well."
Jesus hired them for the 1-900 line....
"And by faith, by coming to Him, very slowly, He began to use us, in our own little world, not just to bless us, but to pour ourselves out. Just like Jesus Christ did."
Jesus wept, he didn't come.
"And in the midst of that faithfulness that God called us to, to raise five children, and raise twenty-three foster children, and as God called my husband to open the Christian counseling clinic, to reach out to others, He has blessed that calling in my husband as well. "
Husband probably had to get out of that house. Did you know they had five kids and 23 foster kids????
You are now looking at a fool for Christ. This is a fool for Christ.
Fortunately for us, Christ doesn't suffer fools gladly.
And in the midst of Him making this calling sure, what’s occurred now, in this particular race, is that this Congressional seat, one out of 435 in our country, it has become one of the top five races in the country, and in the last week this has become one of the top three races in the country.
I'm guessing NASCAR had a slow week. To think that this is one of the top three races in the country is pretty, um, well, paranoid.
And you may have seen how God has, in His own will, and in His own plan, has focused like a laser beam, after this scandal that came up about a week or so ago—He has focused like a laser beam, in His reasoning—on this race.
Right. Nevermind that thousands are dying in Iraq. Nevermind that Americans are suffering the worst month for casualties in that war ever. No, God's response to the Foley scandal? Elect yet ANOTHER wacko Republican...she may have a point. He probably needs a good laugh what with all His young children suffering at the hands of Republicans.

You may consider this a flat out endorsement of Patty Wetterling for Congress.