Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Rapture Advice Part Deux

(part the first may be found here)
Today, I want to discuss a very sensitive and personal topic for Rapturists: s-e-x.
Yes, I know, you're all good clean Christian men and women and the thought of sex disgusts you except in the context of the marital bed...and I do mean "bed". That's alright. Jesus has watched you, and knows you have been good and faithful heterosexually mating for the purposes of procreating only, no monkey business where things slip out to the floor or shower stall.
You've kept your noses clean, literally.
But now you're worried. There are fewer than five days left to, you know, The Rapture. You're feeling a little...antsy. You're worried about those urges that you express in the confines of your white cotton-sheeted bed, with the fluffy pillows that support your wife's head while she closes her eyes and imagines making brownies or something to keep thoughts of pleasure from intruding.
Worse, you're wondering about...you know...experimentation. You don't have much time left on earth, pleasures of the flesh being what they are, they are likely banned in heaven and all that. You've repressed thoughts of your golf pro, or the cabana boy, or the woman that you lunch with every Thursday after yoga in the slinky sheer spandex you two wear.
You know the Bible bans such actions as adultery, sodomy, gomorrah-y. But you want one last go round, one fling before the Big Day. Much like your bachelor(ette) party, it has to be memorable because it will have to last a lonnnnnnnnnnng time.
I come to assist you. For a limited time, and I do mean a limited time only I am prepared to offer you, for a modest sum of $10.95 a movie, my entire collection of adult flicks.
Now, you're asking yourself, "But Carl! How will that help me get past these urges and get into Heaven when Jesus calls me?"
I'm glad you asked!
Through the miracle of a technique that I will shortly reveal to you, my reader, my dear horny Christian reader, you will be able to vicariously enjoy all the pleasures of any form of sexual behavior you've ever imagined (with some exceptions, mostly those that are legally banned as well as Two Girls, One Cup, because that's right out, OK?)
You'll watch as any combination, permutation and other -ation you've ever desired plays out RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES! Two girls; two girls, one man; two men, one girl; two men; two goats; two men and two goats; two men, two goats, two chicks, two ducks, I've got it all! You'll see silk and leather, lace and twine, naked bodies writhing in ecstasy.
Or pain, I'm not judging. That's Jesus' job!
Now, I know you're asking yourself, "this is all well and good and will help me live vicariously that which I will miss when I am whisked away to the land of marshmallow pillows and floor length robes, but how will it help me now? How will I be able to shed these hormones and urges that my body has bubbling inside me now that have no outlet?"
First, shame on you for bringing "biology" to this discussion. God granted us the ability to say no, which means hormones simply don't exist. Go wash your mouth out!
OK, back? Good. Now, here's the beauty of this program: for an additional $1,000 (pre-Rapture funds), I will send you my book The Techniques To Master Rapturing.
With this book, you'll be able to download my film collection to your heart's content (paying $10.95 for each film, of course) and watch all night and never ever worry about what He thinks.
Once you've learned how to master rapture, you will be able to watch any adult movie of any length or content and never walk away unfulfilled, and Jesus will smile on you for maintaining your strict vow of celibacy ahead of His calling. It involves (for men) squeezing tightly and pushing the urges back down until you've subsumed them or (for women) plugging up your "dirtyhole" with a device that will force your naughty bits to hold back by shaking them like a newborn Christian baby that's cried too much.
All for the additional low, low price of $5,000! What a bargain! You get to spend the rest of eternity satisfied in the knowledge that you did right by Our Lord, and I get to continue the fight here on earth against the AntiChrist.