Monday, May 16, 2011

Rapture Advice

As you may have gathered from both the title of and sub-heading to my blog, this place is a safe haven for both atheists and Christians with a brain. On occasion, tho, I get some email and comments here from people who are mad, simply furious, that they've stumbled across a blog that is not only liberal, but actually espouses the teaching of Our Lord!
You know, be nice to people, share, give your possessions away, that kind of thing.
Now, as many of you have heard, Saturday is supposed to be The Rapture. I mean it. This is it. Suddenly (if you beleive Revelation) 144,000 of the Twelve Tribes of Israel are suddenly supposed to go *poof* and vanish to Heaven and assist the Lord Jesus Christ in His return.
How we in America would notice 144,000 missing Israelis, or what they have to do with Jesus, is unclear but then the Lord works in mysterious ways. In the event that He actually DOES love American exceptionalism ahead of His Father's Chosen People, it's important to acknowledge the small chance that The Rapture could occur here in America.
So as a service to the more...enthusiastic...of my stumblers-in, I plan to provide six days' worth of advice to prepare for The Rapture.
Today's Lesson: Shed
It's important that, when Jesus calls you, you no longer own anything. That's right. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man enter heaven. That's in the New Testament. Jesus' own words. Compared to the rest of the planet, even the poorest of Americans is well-off.
To facilitate this dispersal of assets, I have set up a sooper-sekrit PayPal account, to which you can wire your bank account contents. It can be found under this email address. The more funds this account gets, the more likely it is that you (among other people) will get to Heaven.
Yes, it's under my name and my name only, no worries. I figure I've led such a good, clean life that Jesus has no choice but to accept me into heaven. Besides, I make a mean chili. He always was partial to the hot stuff.
Further, I want to recommend a series of charities you can leave your cars, funiture, toys, appliances, books...well, maybe not the
1) GMHC - That stands for "God Must Have Capital." Don't be fazed by the website. It's a front. You'll be helping Jesus eradicate the evil on this planet as you ascend to the heavens.
2) PPH - This stands for "People Planning for Heaven" and should in no way be misconstrued for the Planned Parenthood organization. You know, the folks that spend 97% of their revenues helping people plan for families and get fertility treatments and counseling on when a good time to have sex is to get pregnant. I think the other 3% is spent on hookers and coke, but Jesus loves Republicans, so He'll like this.
3) ACP - "Apostle Clown Posse." These are the folks who plan on mucking up the environment after you've been lifted to your pristine streamside cottage in the suburbs of downtown Cloud Nine. You know, where the bass practically beg to be caught and no matter how much toxic sludge you drain into the stream, it miraculously cleans itself out.
Tomorrow's lesson: No sex before Rapturing.