Friday, July 21, 2006

Shake Your Couch Cushions....

I'm going to ask you for a donation.

No, not for me, you dolt! I'm fine, and I don't depend on the pitiful thousands of dollars a month this blog produces for me!*

No, for a mentor, inspiration, and despite the restraining order, the injunction and several visits from his enforcement goons, all warning me to stay away, my collaborator at "Little Green Fascists," Jesus' General

Now, I never took it as an insult that he's banned my e-mail address from his Inbox. Yes, there was that tiff we had regarding his wife and some photographs I doctored up found of her and the lonely Mr. Garcia from around the corner, but that couldn't possibly have been the reason he banished me to the netherworld of limbo.

Oh sure, he SAYS it was because I use Yahoo mail and he refuses to deal with anyone using Yahoo, but come on! How many email services are there out there, huh? Five, maybe six? So we all know that's a phony reason, he's not about to cut out one-quarter of his audience*.

Maybe it's because my penis is longer than his* (Mr. Garcia and I compared notes one evening). Maybe it's because he rightly views Simply Left Behind as a genuine threat to his hegemony of snarky "reverse psychology sarcasm," a direction that clearly my blog has no intention of ever going, except to overtake him in the Technorati Top 100*. Maybe it's because I have proof that Cletus is NOT a goddammed liar.

All I know is, he never speaks to me except to yell at me, and then smack me around and nail whippets to my forehead and call me "Ponyboy." So I'm hoping that, with a really good fund raising effort on my behalf*, he'll let me sleep inside the mudroom this winter.

So won't you please help him? Please? For my sake?

(* Using Republican budgetary income mathematics.)