It's a beautiful day for the race. Stoogehand is the favourite today, Assault is in there, Dog Biscuit is three to one, Safety Pin has been scratched, and at twenty to one: Feitlebaum. Now the horses are approaching the starting gate, and eh, THERE THEY GOOOOOO!
And it's Stoogehand going to the front, Cabbage is second on the rail, Beautiful Linda is third by a length, and Feitlebaum. Around the first turn Stoogehand is still in front, Cabbage is second by a head (Cabbage by a head!), Beautiful Linda is third and Feitlebaum. Into the back stretch, Dog Biscuit is now leading the pack, Lady Avalon is second, very close. Banana is coming up through the bunch (Banana coming up through the bunch!) and Feitlebaum. At the half Stoogehand still out in the front, Apartment House is second with plenty of room, Assault is passing Battery (Assault and Battery!), Notary Sojack is fourth, and in last place by ten lengths I believe it is, yes, it is Feitlebaum. Around the turn, heading for home, it's Stoogehand and Dog Biscuit and Girdle in the stretch. Flying Sylvester is third and Mother-In-Law nagging in the rear (Oh! Oh! Oh!). And now they come down to the wire, and it's number one and now number two and it's very close, it'll either be a photo finish or an oil painting, and now Louis leads with the left, and Louis is in there, slugging, and it's a battle, and now they are tearing hair, there's hair all over the ring, there's hair all over the place, I don't know whose hair it is. It's mine! AND THERE GOES THE WINNERRRRRRRRR!
If, in the Actor212 Health Derby, you had MRSA as the next disease I would contract, you win! Basal Cell Carcinoma places a close second!
MRSA paid $8.50 (W), $3.29 (P), and $1.80(S)
Basal Cell Carcinoma paid $1.10(P), and $0.65(S)
Man, I know I venture into idolatry in my admiration of The Big Dog, Bill Clinton, but did I have to come down with the same fucking cancer???
(H/T to Spike Jones for his inspiration for this piece)