You're Probably An Elitist If...

Virgin Ben Shapiro, the godawful scion of two Ivy League educated Reaganauts and himself an Ivy League graduate, has pontificated on how Barack Obama and his liberal minions are elitists.

Indeed, he's even written a list of qualities to assist in identifying elitists!

In true FReeper fashion, he's ignored a few. I'd like to flesh out his list for him:

If you know a polo player, you're probably an elitist.

If you went to an Ivy League school without an affirmative action scholarship, you're probably an elitist.

If you drink martinis wearing a suit and a tie, you're probably an elitist.

If you've ever smoked a Cuban cigar, you're probably an elitist.

If you know anyone who has a chauffeur, you're probably an elitist.

If you went to a prep school, you're probably an elitist.

If you live in a gated community, or were raised in one, you're probably an elitist.

If your dad (or mom, to be politically correct) made most of her income last year from stock options that the board of directors voted him, you're probably an elitist.

If you ride in the corporate jet, you're probably an elitist.

If you have a golden parachute, you're probably an elitist.

If you have a portfolio that includes more than a Charles Schwab account and a few CDs, you're probably an elitist.

If you own an original Rembrandt, you're probably an elitist.

If your idea of a "drink after work with the guys" includes a stop at Harry's Bar on Hanover Square, or any Morton's restaurant, you're probably an elitist.

If you've ever played croquet or lawn bowling and HAD TO WEAR WHITE, you're probably an elitist.

If you've ever been to a cotillion, a debutante ball, or a "coming out party" for a girl of teenage years (not the "out of the closet" kind), you're probably an elitist.

If you have ANY friend who is proudly called Muffy, Biff, or Dexter, you're probably an elitist.

If your friends include more than one person who uses two initials in addition to a first and last name ("C. Russell M. Taibi"), you're probably an elitist.

If your household help...well, you're probably an elitist right there, but...if your household help addresses you by your professional title, you're probably an elitist.

If you've voted Republican for the last four Presidential cycles because, goshdarn, Barry Goldwater said you should always vote Republican, you're probably an elitist.

If you've never set foot in a store in Harlem, despite the fact that your commuter train stops there daily, you're probably an elitist.

If you can discuss the finer distinctions between Chardonnay and Sauvignon Blanc, you're probably an elitist.

If your make of car has two names (e.g. Rolls Royce), you're probably an elitist.

If your house has more bathrooms than there are residents, you're probably an elitist.

If you can name the last three squash world champions or have attended the world championship at least once, you're probably an elitist.

If you can tie your own bowtie, you're probably an elitist.

Finally, if you're in your twenties, are male, attended an Ivy League college and proudly claim you never got laid, even by a townie, YOU'RE AN ELITIST!