Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Headlines We'd Like To See


By Scott Stevens

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Frank Church and Sandra State were living together for nine months when they appeared before Judge Horace Belchick on a routine housing zoning matter. They were stunned at what happened next.

Judge Belchick ordered them to agree to separate, immediately.

"We were flabbergasted!" said Frank. "We were sitting there holding hands, very much in love -- and he hit us with this!"

"Separation of church and state is one of our country's bedrock principles," said Judge Belchick. "I won't have them undermining it by flagrant cohabitation."

Tori Appling, a legal analyst who sits in courtrooms in case a reporter ever wants to talk to a legal analyst, said, "With the walls between religion and government crumbling, some officials feel they must draw the line at even the most innocent incidents."

By Calvin Sterling

HELENA, Mont. -- Accountant Ned Otis was constantly impressing his neighbors by singlehandedly adding more rooms, decks, and cabinets to his house.

"I've always had a knack for working with wood and metal," Otis said modestly. "After crunching numbers, I find physical work very relaxing."

However, one day the neighbors awoke to an astonishing sight.

"He was building something on the lawn," said neighbor Gene Beatty. "We didn't want to bother him so we looked at the permit. It said he was building a staircase -- though it didn't seem to lead anywhere."

Otis took vacation time to work on his staircase day and night. After a week the staircase was already twice as high as his house. When he saw a crowd of neighbors gathered on the sidewalk, he realized it was time to satisfy their curiosity.

"I know you've been wondering about what I'm building," he said, walking over. "Well -- I was listening to the radio when it hit me -- I'd build a stairway to heaven."

Everyone just stared at Otis.

"I decided that it would be a challenge," he went on. "Also, I thought it would be the best way to meet the greatest carpenter of them all."

Suddenly, a loud crack ripped through the yard as Otis' staircase toppled to the ground. After a few minutes of awkward silence the crowd dispersed and Otis was left to clean up the debris.

"He took the crash pretty hard," said Beatty. "But we all knew that Otis wasn't the kind of guy to let failure keep him down."

By Dorian Wagner

DRURIDGE BAY, U.K. -- Martini shakers and stirrers everywhere are expected to make a mass exodus to the U.K. after a group of hikers announced they've discovered the Fountain of Vermouth.

Charles Forde, 41, of Manchester, stumbled upon God's gift to the updrink drinker during a camping trip in Northumberland.

"I was looking for wood to start a campfire," Forde told Weekly World News, "but I stumbled on something that warmed us up even better -- an endless supply of the martini mixin.

"At first I thought it was just your regular, run-ofthe- mill bubbling water spout, but the smell was what got me thinking twice," he said. "It was sweet, but strong, so I bent down and took a quick sniff and sip, realized it was dry vermouth, and ran all the way back to the tent to tell everyone else!"

The other campers, William Ackers, 39, and Harry Lamport, 40, also from Manchester, were equally excited about the Fountain of Vermouth. The trio spent the next four days relaxing by the gushing goodness, then staggered home to report their find to the local government.

"Vermouth usually comes from Italy or France, so we were excited that England can get in on the sales too," Forde said.

By Joselyn Masters, Religion Correspondent

PASSAIC, N.J. -- Attention all sports teams and their supporters, those who pray to God before each game for victory:

"The Supreme Being told us he regrets that He can no longer devote time to deciding which team is worthy of winning a sporting contest," said Jeremiah Gottlieb, a spokesman for Unified Voice, an organization that claims to get messages directly from God.

Gottlieb said the Almighty entrusted him with this message after a recent highschool football game between Erasmus High and Dan Quayle High.

"Both teams prayed to Him before the game, which is not unusual. But God said, 'There are great kids on both teams. How am I supposed to pick a favorite?'

"God also said He has nothing to do with who wins an Emmy, a Tony or a Good Citizenship award from the local Rotary Club.

"Frankly, to use a metaphor, God doesn't want to take His eye off the ball," Gottlieb said. "Which is more important, directing a 15-yearold's field goal kick through the uprights or looking after an island being slammed by a hurricane?"

"I thought God could do everything," said weeping 15-year-old field goal kicker Bobby L. O'Heem after missing a game-losing kick. "I guess next time I'll just have to help myself."
Nope. Not the Onion....