Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

The much ballyhooed Clinton policy which became law in 1993 is up for renewal this year. In connection with this, Marine Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said the following:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The chairman of the U.S. military Joint Chiefs of Staff said he backs the Pentagon's "don't ask, don't tell" limits on gays serving in the military because he believes homosexual acts are immoral, the Chicago Tribune reported in Tuesday's edition.

Marine Gen. Peter Pace told the newspaper he felt the immorality of homosexual acts was comparable to a member of the armed forces having an adulterous affair with the spouse of another service member.

"I believe homosexual acts between two individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts," Pace said in an interview with the newspaper. "I do not believe the United States is well served by a policy that says it is okay to be immoral in any way."
I concur, altho for reasons that are probably different than Gen. Pace's.

I've always believed that the distinction between homosexuality and heterosexuality was a bit of a sham, a moral distinction based not on choices made or a flip of a coin, but on an inherent gut reaction to same-gender sex. After all, Jesus is love and Jesus, while perhaps himself having some reservations about it, would probably condone homosexuals.

That's good enough for me. After all, he condoned adulterers and whores, despite His own condemnation of the acts of adultery (one of the few sins he goes into depth in condemning (Matthew 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. ...sounds like an awful lot of Republicans have an awful lot of 'splainin' to do at the Pearly Gates...).

So if "DA,DT" is good enough for the Armed Forces when it comes to homosexuality, then it ought to be expanded. Any married officer who talks about his/her spouse ought to be courtmartialed. Any UNmarried soldier or sailor caught holding the hand of ANYone else should be summarily executed.

In fact, given the highly puritanical nature of American culture, let's make this a nationwide law: if you talk about your family/girlfriend/boyfriend, it's jail time. No more showing photos of the kids (cuz, you know, that makes you heterosexual, at least once). I know I'd sure gain about an hour a day in productivity from no more small talk about the cute thing Junior did last night, or little Susie's dance recital!

Let's close all the "singles bars". No more "what's your sign?" No more "if I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" You wanna drink? Go to a gin mill! If it was good enough for Grandpa, it's good enough for you.

Beaches? Close 'em. No sense titillating hard working folks with naked flesh broiling under a summer sun, bikini tops loosened so the tan lines on the back disappear. Beaches will remain what they are in the off season: one large dog run.

No more reruns of Baywatch. No more Miss America pageant (c'mon, you've hardly missed that already...the ratings say so). No more Victoria Secrets catalog.

After all, it's a secret! DON'T! TELL!

In fact, I think we should make women and men wear these long dark robes from shoulder to toe...we could call them....hmmmmmm...berkas, after the Son Of Sam, David Berkowitz, who got so enraged at the fact that all these losers had girlfriends and he didn't that he went around shooting people in the face.

Don't ask, don't tell, don't piss psychotics off. See how easy that is? In fact, we could include some sort of hood with the berkas that would emulate the mask worn by fencers, so you couldn't even see a luscious pair of lips or beautiful blue eyes, and have an impure thought.

After all, in the Sermon On The Mount, (Matthew 5:28) Jesus said, "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

Jimmy Carter doesn't sound so stupid anymore, does he?

Much of the Religious Right believes that provocative dress incites morally weak men to rape and fornicate anyway (just ask Jim Bakker or Jimmy Swaggart), so this way, we've inoculated society from its greatest fear, the injectable boner.

Just think of how much prettier and purer society will be!

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