Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Short List

During my campaign, I have have often been asked, "Who would I choose as a running mate?" Clearly, the very serious office of NotPresident requires choosing a helpmeet of similar gravity.

Much speculation has been made with regards to the choices for Senators Barack Obama and John McCain Vice Presidential candidates.

I would like to end the speculation regarding who I would choose as my running mate right now. I figure I can grab a cheap mention by Memeorandum, and perhaps some of the thunder from Messrs. Obama and McCain.

For my NotVicePresident, I have chosen Pamela Anderson.

Perhaps I should explain why. Ms Anderson clearly bring a couple of assets to the office. Yes, those (gotcha! :-D ), but I had other thoughts in mind as well.

One possible definition of the term "vice president" would be "the president of vice". This opens up fertile virgin ground on which to consider options.

Indeed, Ms. Anderson has some experience in this area. In fact, she could conceivably have more experience than yours truly, thus strengthening an already strong feature of my campaign. Part of my platform is to bring back vice into the private lives of Americans.

Too, she can reach out to voters on both sides of aisle. She has a proven track record with tree-hugging liberals like Tommy Lee, as well as staunch conservative biker-fight-bitch-slappers like the McCain supporting Kid Rock.

In addition, like me, she is of Finnish descent...what is in our water? that means she has at least some fluency in the evangelical church, which would attract the Southern Christian vote in droves.

Just imagine her in a robe on the altar giving a homily, after being doused with a bucket of water. Parishioners would rise in celebration! Talk about a candidate who can get Americans to come together!

Clearly, she's an amazingly intelligent woman, having started out with next to nothing as a small-town Canadian girl, and parlaying and pumping up her meager assets into a multimillion dollar empire. Intelligence of all kinds will not go unrewarded in my administration. There will never be a missed NotPresidential debriefing by ANYONE so long as Pamela is there, fresh out of the shower. The things she could elicit from my staff would be astoundingly profound.

Her background in film would serve well on the Notcampaign trail, too, as she would clearly be a walking photo op wherever she goes.

On a darker note, her past would be fertile ground for the tabloids, thus deflecting their attention from my own peccadilloes and perversions. Look, the 80s were a bit of a blur for me, OK? With Anderson as my running mate...and who wouldn't want to see that! one would care about my goat and dwarf episode from Studio 54...they'd just put her Tommy Lee sex tape on endless loop on Fox News!

Now, I know the Constitution has this silly law with regards to American citizenship and the office of the President, so let me point out two things: 1) I'm not running for President, and 2) I could solve the problem with one stroke, and invade and occupy Canada. Thank you George W. Bush for making it OK to violate the sovereignty of a nation!

But, as I have not formally offered the job to her, I understand she might reject me out of hand.

So to speak. So I have a back up candidate in mind: Carmen Electra.

In fact, seeing as we're discussing vices, why not both? That ought to get me about 70% of the vote, having them both on my ticket, together...closely!