Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture Advice - At Last!

Are you excited yet? I know I am! And I feel I can speak for the people who will be simply left behind when I say, we're all happy and joyful to see you go.
I feel....elated.
So I have to ask the obvious question, but you know, it's not like you haven't been busy and excited this week, taking care of whatever earthly business you need to before the Big Day, when the Head Cheese comes down and lifts you up to the sky:
Have you packed?
Here's the beauty of the Rapture: no luggage fees! You can bring as much as you want without worrying about triggering some damned clerical exception that's going to get you pulled out of line and see you rummaging through your overstuffed luggage looking for a couple of pairs of shoes and that ham you were bringing to Aunt Bessie's for Christmas.
Of course, you won't need much. You'll be issued your long white robe with the wing cut-outs in the back, your harp and of course, your halo.
Really! You won't even need make up because the lighting in heaven is perfect. Every Broadway stage lighting expert who was straight (all one of know how God feels about them) has arranged your own personal spotlight, as well as a limelight for those moments when you reunite with your loved ones. You'll look amazing, better than any class photo you ever had taken by Jostens.
And guys? Guess what! No more shaving! Beards are not only encouraged, they're practically required! And if you need one, you can always ask Gabriel or one of the other archangels to swipe around your cheeks with his fiery sword, et voila! No more whiskers!
This method is not recommended, of course. Gabriel's been known to sip a few shots of the Blood of Christ from time to time. You can't be too certain how steady his hand will be.
OK, so what will you need? Luckily, I'm here to give, that's right, for free because I'm a giver, the answer:
1) Pack your iPod. Skip the egregious Christian music, and the hymns...except maybe some of the Bach ones. In case you hadn't noticed, Jesus is a bit of a hippy. Dylan ("Knockin' on Heaven's Door"), The Doors ("The End"), The Beatles ("Let It Be"...only downplay the John Lennon songs. Jesus is still a little miffed about that whole "We're bigger than..." thing) get the hint by now. Classic rock, mannnnnnnnn! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Oh. And some soul. Jesus, in case you hadn't worked out the whole "Egyptian/Middle Eastern" thing yet, is a brother. So some Aretha, a little James Brown-- I envy you, you'll get to see him again-- Sly & The Family Stone, you know, the really cool beans that I listened to as a kid.
2) A toothbrush. Yes, believe it or not, while in Heaven your shit won't stink, your breath will. Don't worry about toothpaste, tho, because you can just scoop up some cloud and use that, but no one likes sharing toothbrushes.
In fact, for a VERY limited time, I can Express Mail you a brand-spanking new Jesusdontic Toothbrush, made from a sliver of the True Cross! This excellent addition to your travel bag will put you in good stead with Our Lord when He sits in judgement of you. But of course, you won't be in front of Him long enough to really get a chance to talk to Him. Remember, you were Raptured! You'll be in already, and he'll move onto people like Osama bin Laden.
3) Some magazines. Despite the fact that you're Raptured, remember, there are going to be another hundred thousand people going up with you simultaneously, or at least nearly so. Keep in mind that, if things go according to plan, this will be a Rolling Rapture (o/~ And we're rollin' on the Rapturrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre o/~). If you live in America, you'll be arriving at the tail end of things. You know what customs can be like when you're the last plane in for the night...well, maybe you don't because you're like the 90% or so of Americans that have no passport, so trust me on can take forever. Fortunately, the wait is sweet, with milk and honey flowing like, well, milk and honey, and fuzzy slippers and fercrissake, the floors are clouds!
But still, it could be a long wait. You might want to keep yourself occupied, in the event your heathen tempter(tress) spouse didn't make it for the ride. Oh. And comic books for the kids. We all know how Jesus loves the comic books and while there is going to be a daycare facility, I'm not sure you want to entrust your child to the Catholic priests running it. I'm told they have lots of experience with young boys and girls.
OK, and believe it or not, that's it!
You're on your way. Bon Voyage! Save journey! Think of us from time to time! Au Revoir! It's right over there. See that big metal thing named "B-Ark"? Right. Just step that way....nevermind the "File Clerks Only" signs...