Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Rapture Advice - Counteth To Three

OK, so you're going to be Raptured this Saturday.
Now, you know by definition, animals can't go to people Heaven, because they don't believe in Jesus Christ and they don't have their own Savior...unless Babe the Pig counts...which apparently he does in some quarters, but I digress...
Animals have no souls to save, and God did give Man dominion over them. Now, I'm hearing disturbing stories about how many people, rather than allow their poor suffering pets to endure the hardships of Armageddon and the Anti-Christ, are slaughtering pets. Fortunately, this trend does not seem to be particularly wide-spread, limited only to within a few blocks of Chinese restaurants.
Worse, in my opinion, are the people who are simply ignoring that they own pets ahead of the Rapture. They figure they'll ascend to Heaven, and that Jesus will somehow stop the process long enough for them to leave Rex a bowl of Alpo or Fluffy a nice dish of dry food.
UH UH! The Lord calls, YOU ANSWER!
Unfortunately, running my pre-Rapture porn and post-Rapture banking empires is taking up an awful lot of time. Plus, I have allergies.
But here's a little known fact: Jews are not allergic to pet dander. Yes, apparently God's chosen have no allergies to anything.*
Leave it to a Jew to come up with an intelligent and sane solution to give you, the devout Christian, peace of mind: Eternal Earthbound Pets.
For the low, low, LOW sum of $1,500 (they charge $135, plus an additional $20 per pet. I pocket the rest as a referral fee so limit of one pet per family), you too can be Raptured knowing that your pet will be well-cared for by trained professional Jewish veterinarians and heathen liberal tree-hugging animal activists. PeTA got nothing on these folks, and as Jews, they would be exempt from the battle between Jesus and the minions of the AntiChrist. Your pet will be able to watch safely from the sidelines as all hell breaks loose. Literally.
And of course, since Jesus cannot lose...and really, what's the point of a Rapture and Armageddon if its about as spontaneous as a pro wrestling match?...your pets will likely be there when you return with your white robe and wings.
Imagine the look on Kitty's face when you walk up in your golden sandals, tears streaming down your face, and marvel at how clean and well-fed she is after all these years!¹ She'll stroll up to you and rub her head against your shin and beg for a little cuddle and a bowl of fresh, four-headed ram's milk.
Or how Buddy will bring his favorite stick, Satan's staff, for you to throw after he chows down his favorite meal, entrails.
Remember, they've been handled by Jews and atheists while you were gone, the heathens!*
So don't delay! You only have a few days and this is a limited time offer!²
Tomorrow: Your job
* not intended as a factual statement and hell, they killed Jesus so maybe they don't, right?
¹ Assuming Armageddon happens within the first decade or so of the Rapture. The Bible only references a period of time, and since we have no way of knowing what timezone God's wristwatch works on...
² Offer not valid in Utah. You Mormons are on your own, with your stone box and Angel Moron-i (what a giveaway!) and your golden plates and your magic "Reform Egyptian" language...