Monday, January 06, 2014

Aliens Exist; Are Progressive And ‘Green’

One of the most truly human questions is “Are we alone in the Universe?” The other being, “When will this fucking pizza get here?” Well, my friends, it appears all you have to worry about now is who will have to answer the door because, according to the former Canadian defense minister,  we are not alone in the Universe.

In an interview with Russia Today, former Canadian defense minister Paul Hellyer explains that some 2-80 different species of extraterrestrials have visited Earth many times over the last few decades. In a strange-because-it’s-true twist, two human-looking female aliens dressed up as nuns, went shopping in Las Vegas, and are now probably strippers. That last part hasn't been confirmed. Nor denied. According to Hellyer, the Visitors would be more forthcoming with their presence if we humans were less apt to kill one another. The atomic bomb really freaked these beings out. By “beings” I mean all beings -- near and far -- but the aliens seem to think that we would do some serious damage throughout the cosmos if they were to share some (more) of their advanced technology. Plutonian Peacenicks. Hellyer goes on to explain his own encounter, saying he’s only seen one alien that “looked like a star.” And added: the “Star of Bethlehem is one of God’s Flying Saucers.” This seems logical because a spiritual being -- like carbon-based ones -- would need a mode of transportation. The former minister believes that the aliens are kind, altruistic, and progressive and want to help us save us from ourselves. This includes providing alternative energy sources (that we are already testing, shhh) that may save the planet. Not surprisingly, the more advanced beings are liberal. But, in typical human fashion, we shot the aliens out of the sky without so much as an “Identify yourself, over.” CNET’s Chris Matyszcyk (I think that’s how it spelled), who “...brings an irreverent, sarcastic, and sometimes ironic voice to the tech world,” explains the most chilling part of all this:

“Perhaps hardest to swallow is Hellyer's notion that the majority of alien species out there are benign, loving, and progressive.”

That’ some damn good snark. I think?! Damn he’s good. But is anyone surprised? Typical liberal media propaganda trying to put its liberal agenda into the mouths (or brainwaves; who know’s how aliens communicate) of our cosmic neighbors. It is now only a matter of time before NASA starts to receive more than less than 1% of the federal budget. For context, according to the Washington Post, the US spent 20% of the federal budget on defense in 2011.  We’re screwed. Back to GTAV.
It’s a shame that all we have to go on is a former Canadian defense minister and an ironic Internet voice to bring this story to the humanity. I feel as if all is lost. But, I remain hopeful because, somewhere, there are two female aliens stripping their human clothes off for money and putting it all on red.